and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
