It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
