wrigley field is MILF paradise
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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