First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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