Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
