my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
