Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
