I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
