She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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