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so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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