I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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