I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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