Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
