he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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