I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
