Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
