my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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