I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
