I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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