We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
