When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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