I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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