Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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