so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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