Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize