I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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