I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
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