How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
