nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
