And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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