i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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