Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize