Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
