I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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