Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
