4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
