im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
