Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
