so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
