Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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