Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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