What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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