Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
