I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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