Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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