dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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