I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
