Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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