he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
