my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
