Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Damn victory sex feels great
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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