i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
