I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he thought i was a dude.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
