So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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