so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
