I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize