I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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