she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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