My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
