You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
