BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
