we have officially lost it.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
