my phone needs a breathalizer
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
