Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Your penis caused this!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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